I think part of loving yourself is giving yourself credit for how far you’ve come. it’s easy to look at things i’ve written and hate how far behind i seem. but i think part of the journey is celebrating that i quit partying cold turkey to come here. it’s realizing that where i am is a good place.
i’m learning to shut down the parts of my mind that compare where i am in my journey to where my teammates are in theirs. it’s destructive even when it’s subconscious.
it’s remembering that God honors people who are after His heart but that doesn’t mean suffocating ourselves and not giving ourselves the necessary time to grow because we value speed over intimacy when it comes to getting where you want to be with Him. being in relationship with God is rarely about convenience. it’s not the american dream of figuring out the quickest and most efficient way to get the best result. it’s messy and confusing. it’s the kind of crying where you know that the snot all over your face is grossing people out but you don’t even care because you’re just breaking. it’s wrestling with what you always thought was your own indecisiveness, but in reality is the Holy Spirit tearing you up inside.
God called David a man after His own heart, but all throughout the Psalms, he complains when times are hard and praises God when times are good. He was honest and God was overjoyed watching him live his life.
Job whines all throughout the book of Job as God continually allows things to be taken away from him. But in the end, he receives it all back tenfold.
Before He was crucified, Jesus told God that He really really really really really really didn’t want to die on the cross. Yeah. Jesus told God that. Look it up.
I think God honors honest people and i think part of honesty is not denying the place where you are just because it doesn’t seem like where you should be. It’s about how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go. It’s being okay with not being okay and then telling God that. We will never live perfect lives because we aren’t perfect people. It’s taking it to the Lord when you mess up instead of beating yourself up for “that thing” you think was tearing down the tower of a life that you’ve just spent forever building. You never changed in the eyes of the Lord. It’s about knowing that it takes time to grow and unfortunately, it’s an inevitable step in creating intimacy with Him. It’s taking it one day at a time. Baby steps aren’t sexy, but they’re real.
For me, learning to love myself is going to be about being okay with exactly where i am. letting it encourage me that i’m only getting closer to where i want to be. letting it be a reminder that it wouldn’t even be right here if God weren’t pursuing me. letting it push me to dig deep into myself and discover all the things within me that want this. i mean really really want this.
Spring up o well within my soul.
Spring up o well, and make me whole.
Spring up o well, and give to me that life abundantly.
It’s about realizing just how beautiful this journey is and that every time He sets me free from something, I have an even better story to not only tell, but use for His glory to help set others free.
The One He Loves,